Saturday, December 31, 2005

Wrapping up 2005

I know I said I don't want to this, but, heck I had to, just for the sake of concluding whatever that needed closure as the 2005 is ending:

Guys worth falling in love are those guys that can only be seen behind the fabulous TV screen. And I am shamelessly declared that HOUSE M.D. is my romantic tv series of the year! WEIRD .. but true.. from the very bottom of my heart. I am so into Dr Gregory House M.D.

The overrated fun event to spice up the life such as Treasure Hunting had for some reason becomes a sickening games that is a drag to keep pursuing. Is is the team? Or is it the fact that I hate losing? Can't really tell... no conclusion here. Probably continue striving or just stop... right here, right now!

Favorite food worth craving? anything with cheese or salads... no need elaborate cooking and not much ingredients. And a good start to keep my diet at a very low carb. BUT... living with mommy, didn't really helps. There's always good food spread out on that dinner table when I get home. And this has caused a comments from my married colleagues who always said "untungla, ada mak kat rumah, tolong masakkan". Well, who asked you to get married so early? hahahahahaha. Cruel Diana, too cruel. Jealous more like it. Thank you mom, for never stopped cooking for us.

Song of the year, country anyone? I have become more mellow every time good songs caught my ear. Current obsession, Country singers like Keith Urban, Rascal Flats.. and not so country like Gavin Degraw, and as always the ever so hypnotic voice of Chris Cornell, can't be topped by anyone else there. Just so you know, Pink Floyd had declared best Act by some voting committe beating up Rolling Stones. I'd say MELLOW rocks!!!

Being older... and more forgetful. That sucks eh? started question myself, am I ready to further my studies to obtain my Masters. Maybe not now? Kinda in an unstable state of mind, my brain filled up too fast when fed with too many information at one time. And with too many distractions, did not help at all. I'd say, one knowledge subject at a time.

Broaden my horizon for friendship, cross over a sea to find a friend, and got one I won't mind calling him a soul mate. We do speak the same language, and we do have that same interest. Then again, the relationship hasn't got further than few lines of chats and emails. Anyways, global friends are fun, they don't exactly saw your true colours but to trust those words you feed on their screen. And, TRUST my friend, is one of the most powerful thing we have to mastered for more beautiful things to follow.

Last but not least... from now on, Love and put yourself first over everything else, and second to your family, your own flesh and blood. And that's my life slogan now.

The End 2005, Welcome 2006.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The unpleasant with cherry on the side.

Wow, it has been a long time for me since the days I am looking at the computer screen 8 hours straight. Did I miss it? Not really, but it is not fair for me to just treat it as another casualty, it is after all the thing I do to earn for living, the place I have committed myself slaving into the corporate world.
Been striving hard for the ever overrated MCSE exam, well, can't say I am like studying dilligently considering the location of the studying takes place. Actually, I couldn't really decide where is the place I could put all my concentration fully, the office was just... well; work and people, really is distracting, and @ home? there are a whole lot more distractions and temptations that I couldn't resist there. So, where is the best place to put all your heart and mind to something important? I guess it will left unanswered unless I find my own strength to treat everything else as another white noise and finally put my brain and mind for good use and actually pay attention. So I paid the due, two failed papers, and four more to go, it's a dread, but, gotta do it, before there's question arise on why haven't the exam vouchers been used. Kinda sad though that I did not put myself together, because the whole point of the MCSE thingy is to prove that I can do this... now, I am just another career women who tried to hard to be @ the same level as those men that just need and is "the expert". Bad for me to say this, then again it's the truth I have to swallow together with my old hard-ass pride crap. Urgh... Life is cruel (well, at least at some parts of it).
Spent the rest of the holidays with the precious family (what else is there?). Picked up Siti after back from Brunei, shopping our cash out in KL the next day. I'd say it's quite a way to fill the time other than worrying about the exam. Definitely worthy of the time which I have no controlled of what happened next, hopefully I manage to see both of my sisters' wedding before I die, amiinn.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Diana House

The crush was incomprehensible. A drug addict who is abstinent? A passionate doctor who is abrasive? Or the fact that he is a selfish human being who just didn’t know how to show his true feeling? An odd combination to be falling in love with you’d say. I always thought I am going to fall for the easy one. Then again, that’s me; keep falling for them who are rebellious, difficult and other credentials which is just unacceptable for a normal behavior. That’s him, Dr Gregory House, MD. - pic (Catch him every Tuesday on AXN at 10:00pm, Malaysian time)

Just when I keep saying I am through with this, I am again, lose in this battle of NOT get too involved with TV heroes/villains/or just the fact that he is one of the characters. I have got to learn to slow that TV thing in my routines. (How dare do I even let myself think that! That’s all I have left that I still have hope for!).

Dream on Babe, because Nothing else matters... Nothing else…

Do you think there is an existence of a similar human being like Dr House? Kindly introduce him to me. I’d appreciate it!
;-)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Broken... and Lonesome

I know I said I am done, but Rascal Flats brought me back into that path, and I sure hope these broken road I have walked on would somehow lead me to that specia place. What a song...

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken roadThat led me straight to you
Why do I feel so low?

Go Team Go!

Watched the finale of the amazing race:family edition yesterday. Let me tell you, some family LINZ is, they deserved to win. Wish I have brothers like that... wuhuu! Nick won!! wuhuu!!



So... what made a good team? does family bond played an important role? An interesting idea to ponder don't you think? Then again, how many friends do I have? Ironic huh? For me to conclude such thing?
Don't be deceived... I DO have friends... they just happened to be those cool wonderful people we could hardly meet. Honestly!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Year end closure.. or so I say

That's it, I am done with everything, done with going over the hills with old flame, done with going over cloud nine over conversation or what so ever with handsome men. Done with the "What if..." I have come to term of accepting that everybody deserved to be happy and for him or her to find it sooner it's just his or her calling for now. With this revelation to even become a breakthrough for me, and the fact it happened over the weekend where I've received the happy news of a very good friend is without doubt a miracle. Now, that's an accomplishment I'd say. Congratulations Miss Jones.

I have also being able to put an ease over my obsessions on things such as the NEED FOR WIN in any contest and among the ultimate is the Treasure hunting, towards wanting to be FIRST in everything (did I say put an ease to this, a few number ONE here and there would do no harm once in a while), into wanting to be RIGHT in everything and among others that need massive adjustment.

I am determined to find my own personal territory that will made me equally stands alongside people that will sided nobody, not their friend, best friends, close colleagues etc. And a sarcastically hurting remarks made by own colleagues will stayed in this little messed up brain of mine that I am forever hold as vengeance. Cruel, but certainly a release.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Hmm…

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Love at first song

So i took a long days of-work... was it well spent, I'd say worthy of falling in love with Gavin Degraw few years too late to appreciate all his songs. If there is one artiste who can serenade me with the whole album these days, it would be Mr Gavin Degraw... And... Follow through... just take my breath away... Wish someone could sing/say this to me from the bottom of their heart some day:-

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive, they keep me in tune. Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire. This is for you...Am I too obvious to preach it? You're so hypnotic on my heart. So,since you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through, with every word you say. And I, all I really want is you. For you to stick around. I'll see you everyday. But you'll have to follow through. You have to follow through


after that? I will definitely follow through.. and if there's no one, Gavin can sing it to me anytime...
"Oh, this is the start of something good... Don't you agree?"
One day, one day...p/s: Is it me or is this blog has becoming a song review sites eh?

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The pretender

Leave quite an impression due to last entry, unfortunately, it was just a dream, always are in this author's life. If it is not another dream in a making, it will be just another dull, ordinary day. Sorry to disappoint some people out there... This past few weeks, been keeping in touch with old friends, ex-schoolmates, etc, you know, due to holidays, visiting, bla bla bla. One sentence keep popping up that make me sick, "Love will come when you least expected... it will, you just hang in there" or something like that. Yeah, I'm hanging allright, but, aren't we supposed to also work for it? And just when you thought you had it, it will somehow manage to hurt you in a most unjust possible way. Yeah.. I have to stop looking and wondering and analyse everything. This is not a mission!

God! all this anger, and hatred, it's toxic! It made me weak, and lost...

What else should I pretend to be? Till when I should find a name that suits me well?

On another horizon:
Hurdlers' victory bring cheers to SEA gamesHurdlers Mohd Robani Hassan and Moh Siew Wei brought in the cheers on a gloomy day for Malaysia in Manila by sweeping to victory in the men's 110m and women's 100m hurdles event respectively.

And that has awarded us with 38 gold in the medals tally at second place behind Philipines.
Suddenly made me proud to be Malaysian. Wish I was one of the athletes... erk?!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Nice Weekend indeed...

Yeah, he did... he came to visit last weekend, what a short stop well spent, you know he being busy and on tour soon and all, might as well have a quick stop and spent some time with me. It was so darn fun, we watched the recorded of Rock Star:INXS and reminiscing his memories during the whole INSX frontman audition process. He's definitely deserved to win and I am proud to be known as one of his buddies. We went to the extreme, I coloured my hair blonde, you know, us being crazy and all... I missed him already. Thank God I have this picture to commemorate last weekend that could be the last one before he even made it here again (if he ever could). Love ya JD!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Writing for A Cause

Been looking for part time job all over the internet throughout the week. Looking specifically for any writing job I can contribute to. There is one reply, with the need for a resume (duh!!), I held back. Not that I hate the thought of submitting the CV, but the fact that I don't have anything certified as a known writer or at least a published material are... sad. All that I can offer is... passion. There's always the urge of actually attending one of those courses where you can get a certificate or something, but there is always the never-ending monetary issue. Some people might not understand how such issue can hold some dream back... well, it does. But there is no excuse now, I've got to do something, and to prove I can write out of passion is a commitment i must do and pursue.

writing away...

Friday, November 11, 2005

Changing Lanes

Enjoying this sitting down behind the boring workspace, deep in my own world, doing my own things and keep up with the needs of others. The idea of keep things to myself is working just fine, hope it lasted for the rest of my life. People asked, and you answered, exchanging smiles with genuine display, give out help whenever necessaary. Even changed the name to Felicity in some friend circle internet thing. Am I really happy after these changes? One thing for sure, I do not feel sorry for myself anymore...

everything happened for a reason, everything happened for a reason.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Post-raya...

Here we go again, back to tedious and intimidating place called the workplace... hush!! I shouldn't said that! I earn my living in there for God sake!!! and... back to being the driver for my beloved sister. Back to face all the bills need to pay, all the responsibilites on my shoulder. Am I complaining? far from it... I just need to let it out, to let the world know, Life is just another routine you'll face despite you took a break or not. At least, that's what I thought.

Back to work ya' all...

some lyrics worth the meaning... Good is good by Sheryl Crow

Good is good and bad is bad You don’t know which one you had
She put your books out on the sidewalk Now they’re blowing ‘round
They won’t help you when you’re down
Love’s on your list of things to do To bring your good luck back to you
And if you think that everything’s unfair
Would you care if you’re the last one standing there
And everytime you hear the rolling thunder You turn around before the lightening strikes
And does it ever make you stop and wonder If all your good times pass you by
I don’t hold no mystery But I can show you how to turn the key
Cause all I know is where I started
So downhearted
And that’s not where you want to
When the day is done And the world is sleeping
And the moon is on its way to shine
When your friends are gone You thought were so worth keeping
You feel you don’t belong
And you don’t know why

Monday, October 31, 2005

Before a Longggg Holiday

Just feel the need to jot down something, before I actually forgot i have a blog. ya know... gone for a long holiday and all... and the Internet connection back at home was just... not helpful at all.
Feel like missing someone, but that someone's life is a forbidden territory... and it's only fair for me to keep the distance, still, if he do call, I pick up the phone the second it rings. :-)
The urge to go visit Bali just getting stronger everyday, will I be brave to venture it alone? Will it be safe? will I count on somebody when I was there. I have to do this, go holiday alone... one of the thing I need to do before 30 and let me tell you, it is not very long now. Why Bali you must ask, well, I kinda need to oversea, most of South East Asia Countries are on the same main land with Malaysia Peninsular and Singapore is just a bus away. The next best thing is Indonesia, with Bali the most desirable place have got to be explored. But with all the bomb and stuff, I'd be lying if I say it doesn't bother me... it does, but one has got to have faith sometimes.

favorite song this week: Run by Snow Patrol...
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here...

Raya is in two days or three.. either way, it's just a celebration for completing the one month fasting for me. Nothing else, nothing else... "Di mana kasut, di mana baju, di mana?..."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

from 19th to 25th OCT

Just when I thought I can take a long rest for the five days holiday I took off from work... It ended up to be so darn tiring... nevertheless, felt satisfied in the end, all the target projects is successfully completed, all the plan is carefully carried out, and the never-ending supposedly chasing a dream job is again attempted.

A sad event occurred in the middle, our beloved First Lady died last 20th, after years battling out breast cancer, turned out God loves her too much and take her away from the cruelty on this world. In the end, the kindness she potrayed to Malaysia will always be remembered and may she rest in peace, Al-fatihah.

The business I ran for the month Ramadhan is going well, the process was so tiring I got headaches every night for the whole week, it was all for the sake of making extra money. In the end, it's very much worth every penny.

My precious little sister went back to Brunei to resume the work she left off before Ramadhan, just when I thought we could spend more time as a family. Hopefully she got to celebrate Raya in Malaysia.

And so I did it, sweating myself again in the interview room for the second time this year. Why do I bother really? Just for the sake to fulfill my mother's dream (again)... well, I should, I guess. Just when I thought it is for the better of me... who am I kidding? to start over in a totally new world nevertheless the same old corporate world of bureacracy and office politics? I am sucking it all and sulking at the same time just at the thought of What if I actually got the job? hmm...

God have his plan, I hope I carried mine well, so, help me.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Monday, October 17, 2005

Definitely Older... but Wiser?

... so I am another year older last Friday. Usually it came together with another depression after seeing another wrinkle on my face. But, to receive all those wishes from friends who actually remembered, kinda made my day... What a day that was, took a leave from work, spent the whole three days (and weekend) in the kitchen baking kuih for raya... what a day spent with mom... won't trade it for anything else... Although, I do wish someone took me out for dinner of something on that particular day... then again, who am I kidding huh?

Thank you God though for giving me another chance to live for at least another year older...

What have I achieved? Did I used up all the intelligence I gained for good? Or did I just took everything for granted and let all the best in life slipped away? Coz all I certainly kept thingking I keep making all the wrong decision. Wish I could closed my eyes for one minute and everything will turned out as always dreamt when I open it again. It's just keep getting harder... Or was it all just my mind wanting it to be more difficult?

Thanks to all that remembered... you are all in my heart...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
dan aku tak bisa menyentuh jiwamu
Seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku telah terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan(namun kau masih) terdiam membisu
Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmumendekap penuh harapan

Tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggumenanti sebuah jawaban
Tuk memilikimu
Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku

Semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yang terus berputarAku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Fix me.

I was so mesmerized listening to the song below, how wonderful it is to have someone 'fixing' my soul at this moment. But, for now, I will let holy Ramadhan fix me. God help me...

May you all have a blessed Ramadhan, this 1426 Hijrah... Insya Allah...

When you try your best but you don't succeed When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I
Tears stream down on your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you.


What a song from a very talented man, Chris Martin...

so I am a Drama Queen

"It's hard to be me.." (or so it seems) Keep telling that to myself these days. I have been waayyyyyyyy overreacted on to many things that it seems like I am too implicated deep into my own fuss that I looked like a damsel in distress right now. What a shame! To judge every single action people take on your life and seeing it as more surreal than what may or may not become, and at the same time hoping too high the results of action should be as what have intended in mind... Things aren’t going to be beautifully smooth all the way. I need to learn to chill out… “Go with the flow, go with the flow…” (echo) yeah, keep telling yourself that… It should work sometimes… it should…

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no
(Soundtrack of my life…)


My apology to the insults I made earlier due to my self-inflicted pain in seeking true meaning of love. It is so demeaning, (at least I thought so...) it should not came out in the first place. To speak from your heart is human, to complain is human… people can never satisfied… got to deal.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Asia Pacific has spoken..

I have been a fan and continue to do so despite lots of people hating her since Puteri. Tiara has proved that she IS a talented actress to my eyes. I knew she will do well and eventhough the home land won't recognize that, Bigger force will... way to go Tiara!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Intolerable Cruelty (in denial)

I have begun into hating them for quite a while and i will continue to do it for God knows how long more. Enough to know how shallow they can be in order to be seen with someone so freakingly gorgeous and lovely, but to treat one woman until they looked like they are so freakingly easy that she put aside all the values and virtues? That's just pure Evil!

I am so miserable right now! My soul had never felt this week.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Mundane

So much as keeping things to myself, to being discreet…I gracefully exposed my own private information on certain failure recently. And… the news does not help juiced up my mundane life as it is now. So much to impress the superiors I guess, now I looked just like any ordinary person who work to earn a living. What a shame! I could have been something marvelous, something big, instead? Just another normal human being who doesn’t seems to change anytime soon.

*Sigh* (this is the only things appropriate to do now…)

Monday, September 26, 2005

la torturra

My mind was racing again, watching through the windows glass, still asking myself, what will the future hold for me. Will all my dreams finally come true? It's amazing how the sightseeing triggered my brains into illusioning something beautiful that I wish IT IS the reality. Yet, when it took it's baby steps into the real world, I took a step backwards. Why can't I let the dream to becomes true? Because it will then be too perfect? It is unacceptably ridiculous to comprehend.

Talking about forever, again, had let me be this way. Afraid of what may become. The insecurity had cause me to choke to death everytime someone brings it up no matter how sweet the sound. Was it because it's just not the one or the timing was still all wrong?

Whatever happens to "go with the flow"? I wonder...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

hectic week

Finally took a time off from work, I mean really leaving the office for more than one day, five days to be exact and what did i get from it? A non-stop tasks one after another, can tell you that there was never quite a rest, i didn't even get to sit down and study hard enough for the exam this saturday. Still, among all the obligations, I manage to keep updated with all ups and abouts around me:

For starters, my number one passion... Rock Star..INXS... Told yer all, JD is the one and he did it! Didn't really get to watch the result though but do got time to witness how Mr JD Fortune worthy of being the next INXS front man! way to go man!!!! My prediction was right and will keep on doing it! Marty Casey is always the brilliant one but I do believe he is the man for himself, he will doing just fine without being the frontman of INXS. Woo hoo!!!

Other events on the horizon, the most awaited one since January 2005. My beloved sister's convocation. Odd enough that they got to be in the same 'sidang', even odder it all went well without too much chaotic unfortunate circumstances. I do got 'melecet' though. And I did dissappoint them on the photo side ( wrong configuration on the maual camera - too complicated la... ) hehehe... Overall, the whole event does make me proud of them and at the same time a little emotional to see that we made it. Prove everybody wrong that is. Wish i had the pictures here. They do worth more than thousand words that I could be describing here. Well done girls.

What else? lot more had happened that I could not even put it in words. As about me. It is getting more complicated to figure out just yet what I do want or do not want in love in particular and in life generally. This will be an ongoing unsolved matters i need to look up to for the rest of my life, well, at least til i found the exact solution, which i doubt will be anytime soon. what a week, what a week indeed.

Back to work again... why is it that it's getting more frustrated?



Friday, September 16, 2005

betrayed..

Suddenly felt like writing a lot today. A lot of emotions throughout the weeks and nothing seem to eliminate all the negative ones. Wonder what could have driven all those feeling to emerged, funny how comments and opinions does not sounds so accommading, instead declining my motivation to succeed. Is that why colleagues can only colleagues and not friends beyond office hours? I guess it's true, hence the existence of backstabber and snobbish yuppies. What a way to eard my money with all honesty. I wish I could see it all transparently and not being so judgemental. I'd say the critical thinking of mind is due to my in-depth observation towards things that people can never thought I saw. Guess what, I care! Too much that it hurts.

Sometimes it is good to have a company, but with this environment i am adapting to, better keep it all to myself.

Down to three...


It has now come down to 3, to the finale at last... at last indeed. Who going to win? My prediction will be Mr JD Fortune. Then again, all three were indeed best in their very own styles. No hard feeling should Mr Marty (my rockstar:INXS crush) or Mr Mig won. All of them deserve it. All I can say is, I will always be the freaking rock fan who adores them from afar, what a shame, but a good thoughts indeed. (well, i at least i thought so)


Monday, September 12, 2005

The Lost Hunter

Being over confident comes with a price, and losing is definitely not an option, the consequence? the prolonged dissappointment. It was so devastated to lose in such a closed hunt that could have been won easily... It's all due to wrong small judgments that could have been otherwise huge victory forever remembered by all and eventually open up eyes that long diverted to all the wrong directions. Then again, what's done is done, we can never do nothing about it, now. On the bright side, my luck definitely turning around for the better this time on small receiving of what they-called lucky draw, it wasn't a tremendous humongous gift but enough to ease the devastating feeling of losing the main event. What a night, with all the boys, wish my own team is here with me… on the 7th and 8th of Spetember, hunting away from KL to Kuantan for the yearly event of EPF's Club Treasure Hunt ~*sigh*~

On other occasions… do I need to go along with this? The idea of forever and ever? Do I dare to move? Decision, decision.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Merdeka!

So we are free from the outsider from ruling the country for 48 years now, 31st of August 2005. But, how independent are we in finding our very own values as a nation that should have been different from the others? Where are our own true colours? Come to think of it, things were better off when we are still not freed; we fight for all the good patriotically reason. Now, freedom and independence are took for granted, so, you are in the field waiting for the strike 12, so, you stay in the celebration spot for hours, really, tell me, what were you waiting for? Celebration of independence is nothing but free entertainment worth waiting for with all the people gathers in perhaps the most obnoxious outfits or even with other intentions. I rather like the celebration in smaller scales, staying at the proximity of the hypes, where you can stand still meditated, and asked to ourselves, “What have we done in proclaiming ourselves as a Malaysian I think its time to come together and ponder what have we done and what could have done in searching our own identity as Malaysian and together placing Malaysia in parallel with the developed nations. Malaysia Boleh!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Cornelly love...




If there's only one man that could make any different in my so-called pathetic romantic life, he will be this man... Sounded too ambitious for an ordinary-Muslim-nobody person like me? Well, just to prove my idea of a perfect significant other in the form of a 'rock star', this is it. This is the one. Wonder if he could ever take one glance at me? One meaningful look that could even meant "Who is she?"
If he ever be here, I will definitely be on the very first row... Painfully waiting Like a Stone for yer Mr Cornell.

Friday, August 26, 2005

what are you?

Just like I predicted,
We're at the point of no return
We can go backwards, and no corners have been turned.
I can't control it, if I sink or if I swim 'cause I chose the water that I'm in.
And it makes no difference who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this cause there's only one thing I want
If it's not what you're made of, you're not what I'm looking for
You where willing but unable to give me anymore
There's no way, you're changing, cause somethings will just never be mine,
You're not love this time ...

Thursday, August 25, 2005

extremely mellow

Aku tak mengerti apa yang ku rasa
Rindu yang tak pernah begitu hebatnya
Aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tahu
Meski kau tak'kan pernah tahu
Aku persembahkan hidupku untukmu

Telah kurelakan hatiku padamu
Namun kau masih bisu diam seribu bahasa
Dan hati kecilku bicara...
Baru ku sadari, cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan

Kau buat remuk seluruh hatiku
Semoga waktu akan mengilhami isi hatimu yang beku

Semoga akan datang keajaiban...
Yang akhirnya kau pun tau..

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Mellow II

In a split seconds, I mean like in a blink of an eye... I found myself flown over to the lighter side of heaven, all credit to Mr Damien... thanks for the lovely melody without doubt. What can I say, got speechless every time... over this:

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the timeAnd so it is
The shorter storyNo love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of youI can't take my mind off youI can't take my mind off of youI can't take my mind off youI can't take my mind off youI can't take my mind...My mind...my mind...'Til I find somebody new


What a coincidence... what a point well said.

Rockin all the way...

Now... who could make "Hit me Baby one more time" so dark, it hurts beautifully...? That's my Marty of Rock Star INXS. I am taking this rock star thing to the next level eh? What can I say... I am falling deeply in love with rockers even more every week. That's about it nw. I want to fly to cloud nine.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Fantasy becomes reality

And so it ends... the predictable has been spoken, the underdog has won it all. What a way of representing a community least likely to make it big in the entertainment world, especially here in Malaysia. Though not a true follower, I managed to experience the most-awaited event by all walks of life in this country. What a waste of money the unbeliever would say, what a waste of time, the academia would complain. I'd say it's just another night spent watching the spectacular that the square box could offer at the expense of no youth would be seen loitering around and no women gossipping in neighbours' house, but, less people in the knowledge house and less followers in religious activities, even less people concerns on the national issue. Then again, the amusement of 'world'ly effects has ended, life back to normal, back to life that is hard to bear, bills getten longer, mouth gotten more to feed, and the magic box just another thing to go home to until the hype started all over again the very next year. Till another fantasy becomes reality, I will dream on for what in store for ME... for my very own 'world' experience.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Real Rock Star INXS

I know I have been stressing this like too many time it just becomes annoying or totally ridiculous. But, after watching the reality show RockStar INXS yesterday, it just coming back to me... That's what I love and it would be nice to finally have my very own rock star, where I could myself be like Jordis. Simply fabulous! Where and when can I got one? Maybe not in million years, but let me tell you, The only one who can ever reach me is... definitely a rock star. Totally rocking!! Have you watched it? Plese take a peek and at least vote for JD, he's over the top but he can absolutely rockin' it. My personal favorite among the girls will be Jessica Robinson, but she had her tough times, and I will always behind you girl. Jordis is really talented, too bad Neal got voted out! Suzie nailed it with Get back. Brandon got better, Ty just being himself and the rest are unexceptionally beautiful and did a very good job, It will be tough for INXS to send someone home tomorrow night.

What a show.!! On CSI Miami... Why did Speed has to go!!!!!! argh!!!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Workaholic Tresure Hunter

Been working hard lately, well, if you can call staying up late in the office after office hours and during weekend is hardworking. What a life.. I'd say it's an obligation which I am not very fond of any bit further. The more I wanted to love my job, the more I despise it. I should't feel this way you'd say, but how do I overwrite it? To me, it was hard to define what caused the hatred. Is it the job? the colleague? the boss? the vendors? or completely my own self. If you asked me, I'd say I did with all that I can, other than that, I'd like to blame it on others. Loser.

Well, at least not a total lost. I finally WON something!!!! thanks to my fellow treasure Hunters, We did ended up at 13th places? (13... hmm..) out of 70 cars (closed category) during Putrajaya HUNT 2005 last Saturday. That is an achievement! that is definitely a sign, a sign that the hunting has to go on... for many years to come, for as long as I can barely recognize what fun is. Temporarily over the moon... for now.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Extremist

Should I decide to the extreme? The extreme idea that I loathe the opposite sex? I depended on them somehow, well, at least on certain things. Be it at work or other stuffs, something someone has to make me feel superior so I can carry my job well. And obsessive-compulsive maniacs are not helping. I hated one particular situation; I blame it on everything and everybody else. Why did I smile and got misunderstood? Why did I frown that scares people of, why did I swallow all hard when I should spit it out? As confiding is not an option, and sharing is just forbidden. For another ear could lead to another story told, and another burden released is another load gained.

Friday, July 22, 2005

suffocated

How do you kick someone off your butt really? This one particular guy has got me being critically suspicious of the male species. The hidden agenda was so hideous, and then it becomes intolerable. How do I keep my faith when things like this keep coming for this past three years? I have screwed up big time! And I definitely need to lay back low, so low that I passed the lowest limbo dance. What a roller coaster ride this journey has been. I hope this guy learn soon enough that the phrase “Don’t judge book by its cover” is actually meant as it says. And I am not excluded. What a week… a horrible week indeed.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Lately...

Lately days have been a dread. Routines are just dull. Travelling seems to be never-ending. Friends are just another human beings, colleagues look like another world-class enemy and family has only become a responsibility. Come to think about it, I have been complaining on the same thing all my life. It has become another bad movie shown to help out those D-class actors and actresses. Then again, real life is the real movie in action. People pretending they are somebody else in everyday course of life. You don’t believe it… then, take another look around. You’ll see two people talking with hand playing gestures, could be fury, dissatisfaction, argument or plain comedic performance filling up times with nothing useful spoken but thrash. Then you’d see one man show when someone in a 3 piece suit explaining something to his subordinate about nothing but crap. O yeah, who can forget those housewives that are so desperate for attentions; they made up stories just to wreck a perfectly quiet neighbourhood. What about those bullies beat up innocents for no reason? And those little kids who playing all day with no worries at all… What is the truth behind all those scenes? People do things they do just to get out of wherever they are, whatever they are doing and what could have happened if they stood still. Life is upredictable but we treated like we knew what’s gonna happened tomorrow and we just live as it is today. Will I regret the 27 years of my life should I die tomorrow? What a shame, there’s nothing to be proud of when I left for seven feet under ground when the time comes. All of sudden there’s rush of blood to my head, what have I done, what can I change now, who’s there to help… God… Time is definitely running too fast. I don’t want this movie to end… not now… at least not before dawn tomorrow. Lots of dreams yet to come true, lots of deeds yet to be done, lots of ‘amalan’ need to be prepared. I am officially scared right now.

p/s: lots of things yet undone before 2008… gotta run…

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Case of the EX…


After a long wait of 10 years, I finally got the closure to the end of what I unembarrassedly call, my first true love letting go of. Despite he is happily married, it was a joy to hear that voice again. The same voice, the same guy (pretty much)… might have been different if it was face-to-face conversation, but telephone’s is just as good as it gets. To what it worth, things could have been different as we recalled the old days, but things may be just as good now. How an EX made us evoke the old days and made me re-evaluate all the things we do to the extend, I could have done something else, I could change history, is interesting. Then again, History is what made us human, doesn’t matter how bittersweet. I hope the history I am about to make for future memories are as sweet as candy, as cherished as the Independence Day. I realised how I loved somebody and how I am loved and… how I am able to do and felt that is beyond belief. There is still hope for me to make a good judgement. I hope he will come again in a different form of human being that could appreciate me just the same.

… on cloud nine indeed…

Monday, June 06, 2005

Mellow

Another month comes and I feel no difference as a wonderful person I am supposed to be. How could life be a beautiful thing when I haven’t met that very soul mate I craved all my life? One potential after another, but all I see is another heartbreaker or just plain average Joe. Am I asking too much for a perfect man? Is that all in life I should look forward to when the only cliché playing in my mind is Love is that... Love is this… You know what, Love is bulls*@#. That’s it! Maybe I should be done with it. There can never be a perfect significant other and I won’t settle for just enough. Not now. Not after I waited forever. Pathetic.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Fatal Error

People regards another mistakes done as another lesson learned. To me, another mistakes carried out is another stupidest thing one person could ever do especially when you are approaching 30, well, at least to my own mother. And yes it includes all those little things up to buying shoes that didn't fits. What worst is when you spent a whole lot of money on it… Another point here is, a little embarrassing to see that I am still going shopping for my own personal things with my mother. No, I don't mind bearing all the responsibilities for my home financially, but when it comes to my own personal splurge, Mom has to be part of it? And the idea that I have to go along with it which leads to another wrong choice made? It's the worst feeling a daughter, a sister; a 'career-woman' could ever felt. What makes matters most unpleasant is when this silly little thing dragged to other mistakes revisited. Choosing the flawed man, made a false decision to move, to work, to wear, to eat, to not take care of your own health etc etc. I tell you, it’s hard to be me, single, have a career (or so I thought) and living with a single parent. Tough, but have deal with it. After all, she did suffer for quite a time to get me this far, and then, there’s obligation…. What a day… what a life… For all said and done, I still love you mom.

Monday, May 09, 2005

A Horrible Fight

It’s not understood how words have an effect on people, be it good or just plain cruel. For I have mouthed some harsh words, caused a terrible dispute and happily admitted it this time, it was all my faults. I have failed God. I failed as a daughter, a sister, a worker, a friend and maybe to the extend as Your servant. Till when will I ready to correct all this mistakes and be a good role model for once… at least to my very own beloved sisters. Please forgive me God for I have sinned. Sin of I am too proud to admit that not everybody is perfect.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Cinta

A poem sent to me (at least part of it) yesterday.. what do you know... does realy hit me, in a very good way...

Hawa,
Jagalah pandanganmu, awasilah auratmu, peliharalah akhlakmu, kuatkan pendirianmu. Andai ditakdirkan tiada cinta daripada Adam untukmu, cukuplah hanya cinta Allah memenuhi dan menyinari kekosongan jiwamu, biarlah hanya cinta daripada kedua ibu bapamu yang memberi hangat kebahagiaan buat dirimu, cukuplah sekadar cinta adik- beradik serta keluarga yang membahagiakan dirimu.Hawa..Cintailah Allah di kala susah dan senang kerana kau akan memperolehi cinta daripada insan yang juga menyintai Allah. Cintailah kedua ibu bapamu kerana keredhaan

And I am going to do just that... thanks buddy.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Silverfish

Sent my entry for the SIlverfish New Writings 5. Hope it got through... hope this could be my motivator.

"Father took the cigarette, put on the light, puffing smoke vigorously. I can see he satisfied with whatever he is doing.

Mother took the cloth; bring it to the sewing machine, adjusting the needle, and started paddling. I can see she had no choice but to do it.

Father asked for a drink.

Mother made it for him.

“It’s not right, the water not hot enough!”

Mother obediently take it back to the kitchen, make another cup.
Father take a sip, then gulping away. Took the car key, the hat, and off he went for work....."

Friday, February 18, 2005

From me to fellow Muslim

I questioned myself everyday as I take a good glance all around me, the more people I get to know the more confused I become on what had become the true life of Islam in general and as human being as a whole. I admit I had a fair share of not living the whole rightful way of Islam, and not proud of it. I even said Acheh being ‘taksub’ implementing Islam, when they actually doing the right thing. (What was I am thinking!! Shame on me!) Until all the deadly sins eliminated the least from thought of ours only then Islam is living harmoniously, without terrorism, without inequality, without and the least with all heart without questioning the rationality on the routines. So the religion is easy, doesn’t mean we should we made it tooooo easy. It’s too appalling and excruciating.

What’s worst is when fellow Muslim questioning the facts that given to us through our very own Holy Quran. Why arguing the facts? Why can’t we accept that some things are simply sins and forbidden and faith determine humane? Instead man tries to take control over faith, correcting the obvious wrong by being God, hence all the personal claim in declaring rage over syariah jurisdiction in particular and the whole belief system on humanitarian in general, thus provoking war and terrorism almost in every part of the world today. Talking about pride and prejudice! To be honest, this has taken me to the next level of scares, how life can be over in few seconds without us being part in changing the world for the better place.

In the end, I am glad being raised with this faith instilled in me since born, and try so hard to overlook all the so-called excitement flaunting all around me. Enjoy life, just try not to ‘cross the line’ as a Muslim (a little reminder to self here). So I did this, doing my part as a Muslim in my own little way. If someone offended, I apologize from the very bottom of my heart. You might say I have no life but I am taking that baby step closer to heaven for eternal life after death… If I keep doing the right thing and If God keep calling me closer, that is. Please remind me from time to time if you don’t mind. I appreciate it.
Peace and Love………

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Music gets me every Time...

Music really gets me every time, and to prove it I watch the Grammy awards three times back to back last night. What a show I’d say. With tributes to 50th anniversary of Rock n Roll, it only made me glued closer to the tele. Did you see Melissa Etheridge and Joss Stone roll it all out for Janis? Wish she were here to see that, well if she’s here, she too went all out together with them. And what about that Lynyrd Skynyrd!!! Argh!!! I can still imagine my excitement with my eyes just roll out, surprised and satisfied at the same time. What a performance by those country folks… and that Keith Urban!!! Cute!!! Wish I were Gretchen Wilson up there on that stage. Sweet Home Alabama… they’re coming home indeed. Alicia Keys… need I say more? And Jamie Foxx… what a voice, what a voice, I bet Ray is smiling up from above right then. And what’s with this grammy people, you need to award people when they are die? Can’t you see his success in his years of making all those good music, rewind to last year... Luther Vandross… well, he was in a stroke, but still… What’s done is done, and I am happy with the entire award and honorary recipients, but Maroon 5? Never mind… John Mayer always the best, Franz Ferdinand!!! … I want you to take me out! Still I wish the killers were performing as well, and way to go the ‘American Idiot’ Green Day… well done proving, rock is indeed FUN!. Last but not least! The Beatles crossing across the universe spreading their contagious, most successful music of all time, and the tradition continues by these fellow excellent singers: Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keys, Billy Joe Armstrong, Velvet Revolver, Steven Tyler, Bono of U2, Norah Jones (my fav), Allison Kraus, Tim McGraw and others I ight forgot the names sending a pledge to people across the globe that Something is definitely gonna change our world. Music has done their part. It’s up to us now. Spread the love my friends… spread the lurve…

Monday, February 14, 2005

V for volatility?

Supposedly D-Day for all the lovers out there be it whom or what ever that they are in love with. It is the celebration of love and affection that touch one’s heart deep enough to appreciate life as a whole. Although with the belief system I have, it is not encouraged to be obsessed with it, yet, I am depressed on this very day (perhaps it’s just the manic Monday)… actually feeling left out of the excitement. I am feeling so low that I start to despise every thing I did or think or look. What a snob! Why should I make the fuss on this? The fact that I seem like having someone at the moment, it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I am feeling invisible. I am doing it out of gratitude that I hope I could give my love in return. Weird though, it’s been almost three months and neither of us doing it like everybody else. Is it because of me being over protected? (Could be the major reason) or I am just totally constrained myself to be overly attracted? It is part of the sabotaging myself yet again scheme I gues…
…………..see how relevant V being volatile?… I am walking on air…..
One fact I know, although it seems like I am in a good rapport, the truth is I don’t feel loved but I feel insignificant. What a feeling… worth hooked on it? Unlikely.

Friday, February 04, 2005

My body is a woNderful Pain

It's only early in the morning, and my body started to hurt all over again. Yes, I do have my fair share of being a woman, being sick!... easily. And with the same results after one check up after another really made me had it. Why would the doctor said I am okay when this constant ache keep coming whenever they wanted? Reading one article which had the same alarming symptoms I had, proclaiming the early warning of CANCER made me even more body-and -health conscious. But, when the doctors said there's nothing to be worried about made me question the system. How do you detecting cancer really? before it even reaches 'I'm sorry sir, there's nothing else that we can do'? Here we are reading, hearing and learning a lot of things to prevent it, and to be alert of those warning signs, yet, the doctor refused to let us believe we could be having it by suggesting all those expensive tests that could be a wasted of time. But, excuse me? didn't we, have our own rights with our own money that we wanted to be told to be cautious and just go on with the tests anyway? Leaving us in a wary of something big could happened and hanging on a thread is even more restless. And, I'm just tired to feel worry about it, to go up and down the doctor's office, to actually find a good one as one of the office's panel is not convincing enough... What is happening to a lot of systems surrounding us? Rather than helping us, they really just another object existed on this very earth doing their own things. Helping other in needs my a**.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

This freaking woRkplace

Just when I thought I am gaining something useful in a so-called working environment, I am also getting depressed every second going through all of it, the job, the people, the bureaucracy, the chaos, the ups and down. It is a crazy world here and I am trapped in it. Why do we blame others when thing does not go our way? It's human nature I guess, the idea to want everything going perfectly well has made us overlooked the bright side of it...Mr Brightside by The Killers... And with colleague affected by all the stressful stuffs induced more negative impacts in my network cloud. And to not be able to share it with someone whenever I am down, at any instance, made me broken into tears I never wanted to see it appeare for quite some time now... And I broken when I lonesome.. seether... What a weak soul!