A very single- lonely guy friend asked me the other day, “did you ever felt lonely sometimes”, and being egomaniac that I am, I smugly said, “no… I have my family and my TV.” I wasn’t really thinking hard for that answer, rather transparently replied in such a way because I was determined to make this guy seeing the positive in life (after sudden heart attacks hit him due to depression). Looking back, and started to analyze all the things that followed, I wasn’t sure anymore.
When I said I had family full time, funny how my dad never really loved me and the only pat on the shoulder I got from him was because I took care of his favorite daughter while she sicks, I was told to sacrifice for the sake of the girls’ happiness, hold off my thought to be married first and wait for the right time to pursue my next academic pursuit bla bla bla. With family, it was all about timing, reminders, responsibilities and obligations. In the end, I won’t mind, because “After all I still can get what I want, even when I am alone”. Really?
When I said I have friends, as time passed, things are ought to change sometime, and before I know it, they all have their own families to care about, to give excuses not to have gathering during long weekends, can’t go out at night and to not be there when I finally need someone to talk to, and me living far from them all, certainly not helping. Am I mad? Nah, I have nothing but respect to that, they put family first above the rest. And I am back at one. Mono.
When I have nothing but sense of self when comes to weird pastime and hobbies, I was so convinced that entertainment can save my sanity when in silence and emotionally unstable. I defend every sound and features being the savior of my dreariness when no one understands. I sings, dance and act in my own quiet world of self deep down inside. How so this is all carried about? Alone. Hmm…
I definitely fooled myself eh? Who am I kidding? Although it’s the last place I even want to think of going, it is to the loneliness lane…
Some say I need a comfort voice to soothe, and gentle eyes to watch over me with tenderness, and a heart so I can make mine as a complete pair of organs; all from an honest male donor. Yet, hope can devastate when the expectation is too high, but for once in a blue moon, can you blame a girl for that?
So friend, I guess I am lonely sometimes...especially now... *Sigh* Wish Starsailor can soothe me with this every time
