Snap II

Ok, my bloated tummy did it again. Was embarrassed number of times by occassional gestures to give me seats in trains and buses number of times before, and yet I let them go as I, myself have made that miscalculative judgement to fellow peers (women-with-the-same-problem-as-mine) sometimes. Just when I tried to recover from the snappiest remarks made by Nenek Siti, I was slapped again in the face yesterday! While shopping for tailoring stuff with mom and Siti, and usually that took forever... this shoplady had some nerve! She actually touch my stomach and said, "pregnant ke kak?". That explains how she kept looking at me throughout the whole shopping process, and since my shocked self snap back , "isk, taklah", she didn't continue to ask, "...berapa bulan?" geez....(at least I thought so she about to do that) Maybe she couldn't hold it any longer and she had to ask. That; mt friend, gave me another wake-up call for ditching the gym last week when I promised to go. (I was so busy man, don't have time to stop by at the gym... the gym bag is still on my sofa, swear!) Anyways, since it bugged me the whole day and night, I did my cardio, and I am just gonna do it because it just made me feel good not because of that remarks and tried to prove something. Liar! I have to change those stares and comments, I have to work hard! dang it! One after another... These few weeks has been so humiliating!

p/s: The Biggest Loser gain back weight? scary, scary... we're human after all...

Snap!

My mother's worry about my weight and looks are always unbearable to hear, especially when she kept reminiscing of how slim she was when she were my age. And kept babble how no one will want me if I am not working hard myself to ensure that I have a perfect body for my height and at the critical age that I am in now. And as usual, I just let it in one ear and out to another. Her concerns led to a session where I was forced to be checked by Nenek Siti of what's going on with my bloated tummy, when it was her session really, where she needed a massage after her fell recently. For the sake of indulging her distress, i gave in, Nenek Siti gave me a round of full body massage, and like a bomb exploded in front of my face, she just drop the worst remarks of the year;

".. takdo apo lah ni, ekau ni gomuk yo sebona eh..."

Wow! Just like that! In my face! Finally someone said it out loud eh? And what does this means? Time to go back to the gym! I am going back to Indonesia next month anyway, so, the need to be as equal as all those petite little women in the neighbouring country is fatal to score some ganteng Indonesian lad. So I had to work hard now; 2 weeks of healthy regime here I go...

p/s: padanla dengan muko ekau... The Biggest Loser competition anyone?

Silent Treatment

What is the best the remedy for a broken-hearted, deeply-stirred emotional mother? One may say, just play along with her emotions; the other might suggest a total silent or no-action taken to tackle the situation. After 32 years of doing the former, I tend to moving into the latter direction these days. It is not a productive measures I know, but when you feel like you alone working hard in inducing a healthy relationship in your own home, it's got tired. Well aware of the imperfection being that I am, I wasn't trying to provoke things up, I just needed somebody else seeing what I am looking and feeling everyday. Don't get me wrong, I love my blood relatives, we beat as one, we felt each other's pain, we just refuse to acknowledge it sometimes and just let is slide until it tears everyone inside; it Kills me softly...

Weird though when the same situation happened to friends and foes. Been feeling like I am pulling extra effort and squeezing additional-more-than-I-own $$ to sustain or buying friendship these days. The scariest thought of me not having anyone to consult in the end caused me into doing the ridiculous acts or indulging into the absolute worst feelings possible out of desperate measures and bad assumptions. It is sad when you felt like everyone against you when you knew the act you carried out will then be blamed upon your upbringing. In my case it really does. I am just afraid to be alone but to feel the pitiness from those honest eyes and gestures wished to surrounds you with fun stuff, it's so surreal. Perhaps I am just good to just be by myself.

So, Silence really is Golden? Do pictures really worth the thousand words, and my favorite; do "A good word is an easy obligation; but not to speak ill requires only our silence, which costs us nothing" really speak for itself? Perhaps I should continue living with that in mind, or I will risk my weak heart anytime soon.

And, Silent Please!

Bookaholic

I went overboard this year. Went to every book fair whenever I had time, and spent like a girl stuck in a 24 hour sale shopping haven. If only I have more of those moments and gazillions of $dollars$. Anyways, I love books, the way my fingers run through th edges of book stacked together, the smell of them pages be it newly distributed or an antique can simply be my kind of ecstasy. I can spent hours in a bookstore unless I really really needed to do something else. I may not have read all my books yet, but to know that I have them in my collection is another satisfaction I am looking for after any purchases. And books, were never been a regret made when I went crazy picking 'em, and paying 'em. I hope my wish for a personal library built in my house will soon come true.

this is just a few among have read, not yet finished, and soon I will read them...