Love Story ~ Cinta tak salah...

It’s hard ya? When they say if you are in a relationship of what they called abnormal? Age wise, experience wise or emotionally challenge. How’s thing so far? It is being handled pretty gracefully (or so I thought). And am I glad when all things worked out for the better, when one finally understood the priority, the right DECISION needed to be made during tumultuous time. And at this moment...; I am certain, I have made the right choice.... So help me God!

Gita Gutawa ~ Selamat Datang Cinta

"denganmu sepiku kan berganti,
berganti keindahan
yang belum pernah kurasa
kamu gelora di jiwaku
taklukan keraguan
dan ketakutan hatiku
selamat datang cinta di hatiku
ku sebut hadirmu
berikan aku cinta rahasia kehidupan
tanpa engkau cinta aku butakau cahaya hati
cinta tak pernah salah dalam memilih"

Snap III

Just like any other afternoon, watching TV with my mother, the show on tele "Jangan Lupa Lirik!". And while I am in the game like the contestant, singing along to the song to figure out the lyrics, mom said " Suara adik lagi sedap dari suara kau la Na..."... waahhh! kecik hati weih.

hehehehe.

I hate...

I'm not really jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown.
I think of you ev'ry night and day.
You took my heart, then you took my pride away.
Can't break free from the the things that you do.
that's why I hate myself for loving you...

Love Story ~ Bila hanya Hati Bersuara

What is another cliché in the Lovey-Dovey lane? When there is more silence than conversation made while together, one will be deemed boring; be it either party can be blamed. But what if, silence is all we need to hear heart said out “I love you” very loud indeed inside? I’d say I can’t complaint. My heart never beats this fast that wasn’t accompanied by a short breath when your stamina failed on you. But it beats with good sound of rhythm that only me and perhaps only us listens.

Check point: While there is complication, I am still happy.

Love Story ~ Crazy Act # 2

Like any other day, being away and all, calls are the closest any lovebird can feel the other without having trying too hard. And JUST like any other day since these cloudy nine feeling beneath my feet floating me around, I received his call on the way back home.

:“dah naik train? Ni dah kat mana?”
:“KL sentral, kamu di mana nih?”
:“kat jalan sg besi, Jam.. kenapa eh?”
: “entah… “ and etc etc etc

Call ended, and I am back sleeping, enjoying the ride. Another call came in…

:“still jam la, boring.. dah kat mana ni?”
:“baru.. err… mana ni?... kajang.”
:“pukul berapa sampai?”
:“err.. setengah jam lagi kot”
:“ok… hati2….”


With that I am back to napping again… until finally reached the destination. Validate the ticket, walk towards my car as usual without bothering of what’s happening around, I didn’t even notice a commotion at the far end of the parking lot until someone pointing it out later. Unlock the door, get into the car, started my engine, and, as I about to shut the door, there’s a knock on my window… and there he was… the sweet face that keep bugging my mind night and day. He was there all the while he called earlier. He waited for me for an hour. And I didn’t even notice his car? Isk… After few minutes “what are you doing? What?” and speechless for a second, then only he suggested to go for a drink, and so we went off for a drink before I finally back home.

Once again my friend, this might also happened to you too many times, this is another FIRST for me. I appreciated the gesture far off until me totally overrating it. Some people told me that what he had done is scary, I’d say; I love him more for that…. And again I never stopped smiling…Crazy I know. But I love it! I love him (wow, did I just say Love 3 times?)

Love Story ~ Crazy Act # 1

There’s an old saying of “orang, kalau dah bercinta, nampak bumbung rumah pun cukup”. As cliché as it sounds these sayings have become something to laugh about whenever to tease those in love. And then there’s another when, you know if the guy call and said “cuba tengok kat balkoni” and these days girls usually not totally believing guys would actually do that (that they were actually out there wanted to see you as a result of missing you so much). These days being the post 21st century where supposedly fairytale and fantasy should be left as it is.

And on one fine night, DJ happened to decide to go to bed earlier, the guy call as usual and weird of the idea me sleeping early. Since he’s still driving outside, she decided to wait a little bit longer before she finally closes her eyes. While tidying up a bit stretches up the bed sheet, the call came in. “… cuba kamu tengok kat Balkoni…” She just laugh while thinking “yeah right?”, and yet still walk towards the window, looking outside and to her surprise, there it was; a familiar car parked in front of the house. He really is outside, at 12 midnight. So, the driving earlier was towards here? She went out to the balcony, and the talk on the phone continued for the next fifteen minutes and as speechless as anyone can be, she managed to just laugh through the whole conversation digesting the event that just happened.

This particular event may have happened to you too many times; but this is definitely the FIRST for me. If there is a serenade followed after would be a more dramatic episode to remember eh? ;-)Tell me honestly how would you feel if you were in my place? And as for me, the smiling never stopped until the next day.

Love Story ~ D-day 2009

Between Cake, flowers and Sunset... D-Day never been this perfect... Thanks Darling....

p/s: Thanks for all the other gifts and thoughts from beloved friends...appreciate it much.

Love Story ~ Monologue

How do you convinced one is The One? When you constantly thinking about him and it distract your concentration? When you realized you cannot live for 12 hours not hearing his voice or receive his text or read his email? When one has to rebel to prove it’s the absolute choice?

So they say Love drives you crazy, it really does and I’d never thought I will have the chance to live the moment again. Although they are still uncertainty as any love story always have been, a dramatic experience of professing one’s true emotions is something I think any play worth being staged for. And I am planning to shout all the right scripts to the other ends, while at it, I may annoys the spectators or I might just as well gets a standing ovation. One thing for sure, I think I am on a right track of the trailer…

A Hopeless Romantic after all..

Mom said Love is blind. Others said seek and you shall find. For years we search, endure and broken, funny how it only took a week to found the one. And one might add “so you’d say”, but is it really true? Love that you seek was just few meters away all along? How poetic little words sounded so comforting that you take every word of it and seal it closely to heart? Is this how finally Diana Jones is tamed? With such beautifully craved lyrical speech fed into her heart and mind so spontaneous, it seems so genuine and truthfully from the heart. So, she is loved, she is actually contented, for she played it along in a beautiful little world she longed and finally lives on. The feeling was great and she never been happier. Despite; she does hope she is not hurting other important human beings while she felt for the significant other of the heart matter.

Reminiscing Moko – October 2008

"Adegan kayak gini paling sering ada di
film-film, seorang cowok ngasih jaketnya ke sang cewek untuk dipakai. Lambang
pelindung, superrioritas, dan ke-essential-an laki-laki yang lebih tegar dari
wanita, sekaligus lambang kelmebutan wanita yang akan selalu memancarkan
aura-aura dengan keindahan tak terhingga yang harus laki-laki jaga dan lindungi.
Setiap nonton adegan seperti ini, dulu gue sering banget mencoba meraba-raba
mengartikannya. Tapi sekarang gue ngerasain sendiri... rasanya lain
banget."

That I borrowed from the words of Indy written by Donny Dhirgantoro in his book 5cm. Kangen si jadinya... ah, what a memory.

p/s: Loh, koq puasa-puasa mikirin ini?

Perempuan Berkalung Sorban... itu Aku

Lek Khudori quoting to strong Muslimah:

“Aku tidak butuh laki-laki untuk tempat bergantung, tapi aku butuh laki-laki
untuk aku cintai” kata Ontosoroh

Anissa concluded:

"Kalian semua adalah calon muslimah, calon istri untuk suami kalian tercinta,
dan calon ibu untuk anak-anak yang kalian sayangi. Surga menurut janji Alloh,
ada di bawah telapak kaki kita, perempuan. Tapi jangan lupa satu hal bahwa Alloh juga memberikan manusia kebebasan. Mau jadi apapun kalian nanti, pilihlah jalan
Alloh dengan rasa bebas dan dengan hati yang ikhlas. Dengan begitu insya’Alloh
kita akan hidup dengan tenang dan tanpa rasa benci.”

While Me:
Di saat tangisan sebagai hamba yang lemah didengari Allah, aku semakin sayangkan Ramadhan, aku mau banyakkan amal... supaya nanti aku tetap berjumpa sama Lek Khudori aku, walau untuk sementara, walau aku harus tunggu hingga akhir usia. Aku tau Allah akan sentiasa menemani aku di saat aku lupa dan terlalu occupied dengan masalah dunia. Aku tidak akan mengalah dengan tarikan amarah... Insya Allah...


Ketika Cinta - CT (dengar)

Ana...

"Dan kini aku malu dengan kenyataan ku sendiri..."

Depends on who's waiting for you on the other side.

Again, I have been in that major depression episode. In my heart that is; because as I recall, I managed to function at my 90% best in the workplace. What would that make me? Yes, that means I am still a reliable worker indeed. Yet, I am not a stronger woman inside; as on one particular very tiring working day in a very cold place seeing me Losing it; brought me to crying uncontrollably in the car while driving back home. Not only that alone is a major hazard, me constantly wiping those tears that managed to flow non-stop made the ride even more daunting. Nevertheless, God still loves me, I manage to steer through the night and safely reach the crib. Why was I such a mess? While it may not be so clear to me on the exact reason, I still believe it had to do with me failing to let what heart matters flow like a river as I had been persistently promised myself. Funny too, after all these years, accepting the way the family has always been, I kept questioning on why I felt like a failure whenever I am around them and myself. Why I will never be worthy for somebody else to love me and keep me for the rest of my life. This fear of commitment is crazy as I realize I will never be brave enough to cross that road. How I long for those moment, and I quote what Norah Jones (in her My Blueberry Night) said, “It wasn't so hard to cross that street after all, it all depends on who's waiting for you on the other side”. Do you see anyone?

Narcissism on Display

and more, here from one of the best photographer I have the privilege to know personally...

p/s: indulge... hehehehe

Episode 1

“ Kadang aku cemburukan Anissa dengan Lek Kudori nya. Lek
belajar sampai ke Universiti Al-Azhar, Lek hormat Anissa sebagai seorang wanita,
Lek tolong goreng tempe bila Anissa masak sayur, Lek kemas meja bila Anissa
senduk nasi, Lek benarkan Anissa menggapai cita-cita dengan sokongan padu. Aku tau 'Too
good to be true' tapi aku tetap yakin masih wujud manusia seperti Lek dalam dunia
yang dalam penuh kebingungan indentiti ini kan? Langsung aku teringat kepada
Bang Ridzuan, namanya mirip Malaikat yang menjaga Syurga, wajahnya yang jernih
dan bersih menenangkan sesiapa yang melihatnya; umur aku 11 tahun ketika aku
bertemu dengannya. Bicaranya halus, sangat menghormati wanita tidak mengira
usia. Untuk seketika aku merasa bahagia saat itu, saat di mana ada lelaki dalam
linkungan perkumpulan manusia yang sudi berbicara sama aku, tentang apa yang
baik dan apa yang buruk, tentang betapa pandainya aku bersekolah. Aku terus
berharap untuk berjumpa Bang Ridzuan lagi suatu hari nanti. Bang Ridzuan pergi
ke Jordan, menuntut ilmu Agama di bumi para Anbia tetapi Bang Ridzuan tidak
kembali. Dia tewas kerana barah, ternyata Allah memang sayangkan orang yang
baik-baik dan lansung dia dipanggil semula ke sana mengadapNya. Aku
benar-benar merasa kehilangan…

Mungkin benar kenyataan adik bila dia kata ‘mungkin
jodohmu sudah tiada kak, sudah mati' Lansung aku segera
teringat pada Abang Ridzuan. Dialah Lek Kudori ku… dia mungkin seorang yang
dapat melindungi aku, dapat membawa aku ke jalan yang benar dan dapat
membahagiakan aku. Aku menghela nafas panjang yang agak kuat hingga kata ‘sayang
sekali’ keluar dari mulutku sendiri, sampai semua memandang ke arah aku; saat
aku melayang jauh di balik bangunan-bangunan tinggi Kuala Lumpur di meja makan
Starbucks, ketika aku menunggu seeorang yang tak kunjung tiba. Keadaan yang
sedikit aib itu mengingatkan aku, sememangnya aku tidak harus ditinggalkan
sendirian! Langsung aku marah pada teman yang sering tidak pernah tepat waktu.
Menanti memang menyeksakan!”

Prologue

“Aku belum sempurna sebagai tunggak semenjak kepala keluarga
bernama ayah pergi, walau pada firasatku, telah ku cuba sebaiknya. Sebaliknya,
aku menarik kedua adikku sama berkorban, sama berhempas pulas membantu
membahagiakan Ibu di saat mereka sudah punya kehidupan sendiri yang perlu
dipertimbangkan. Kerana dalam menjalani hidup bersama Ibu seterusnya, tiada yang
lebih penting selain membiarkannya sentiasa bahagia tanpa seorang suami. Satu
sahaja yang ku mahu sekarang ini, supaya perkahwinan boleh membebaskan mereka
dari tanggungjawab 100% terhadap Ibu. Yang satu telah menjalani kehidupan
berumahtangga, tetapi aku masih belum berhenti memohon bantuannya setiap kali
aku kesempitan. Aku malu yang tidak terhingga sampai saat ini. Apa agaknya lagi
harus kulakukan untuk mengubah takdir mereka. Seorang lagi ku harap boleh ke
jinjang pelamin secepat mungkin, supaya dia dapat pergi jauh, bahagia bersama
keluarga sendiri. Walaupun rumah Ibu pasti sunyi tanpa mereka, tapi aku pasti
satu beban di bahu mereka akan terlucut sebaik mereka tidak harus tinggal bersama

di rumah ini; tiada kata rayuan aku di saat aku buntu dalam membuat keputusan,

tiada lagi kata sinisku di saat aku begitu marah kerana tidak mampu berbuat apa-apa.

Dengan tiadanya mereka, aku pasti terpaksa berdikari, demi harapan ke atas senyuman
seorang Ibu setiap saat di mana hanya kami berdua tinggal di casa ini. Hanya
satu ku pinta ya Allah, semoga dengan segera aku dapat lepaskan bebanan keluarga dari
adik-adikku supaya mereka bebas hidup bahagia dengan keluarga masing-masing.
Kakak minta maaf jika tanggungjawab membataskan kebahagiaan kamu semua.”

Snap II

Ok, my bloated tummy did it again. Was embarrassed number of times by occassional gestures to give me seats in trains and buses number of times before, and yet I let them go as I, myself have made that miscalculative judgement to fellow peers (women-with-the-same-problem-as-mine) sometimes. Just when I tried to recover from the snappiest remarks made by Nenek Siti, I was slapped again in the face yesterday! While shopping for tailoring stuff with mom and Siti, and usually that took forever... this shoplady had some nerve! She actually touch my stomach and said, "pregnant ke kak?". That explains how she kept looking at me throughout the whole shopping process, and since my shocked self snap back , "isk, taklah", she didn't continue to ask, "...berapa bulan?" geez....(at least I thought so she about to do that) Maybe she couldn't hold it any longer and she had to ask. That; mt friend, gave me another wake-up call for ditching the gym last week when I promised to go. (I was so busy man, don't have time to stop by at the gym... the gym bag is still on my sofa, swear!) Anyways, since it bugged me the whole day and night, I did my cardio, and I am just gonna do it because it just made me feel good not because of that remarks and tried to prove something. Liar! I have to change those stares and comments, I have to work hard! dang it! One after another... These few weeks has been so humiliating!

p/s: The Biggest Loser gain back weight? scary, scary... we're human after all...

Snap!

My mother's worry about my weight and looks are always unbearable to hear, especially when she kept reminiscing of how slim she was when she were my age. And kept babble how no one will want me if I am not working hard myself to ensure that I have a perfect body for my height and at the critical age that I am in now. And as usual, I just let it in one ear and out to another. Her concerns led to a session where I was forced to be checked by Nenek Siti of what's going on with my bloated tummy, when it was her session really, where she needed a massage after her fell recently. For the sake of indulging her distress, i gave in, Nenek Siti gave me a round of full body massage, and like a bomb exploded in front of my face, she just drop the worst remarks of the year;

".. takdo apo lah ni, ekau ni gomuk yo sebona eh..."

Wow! Just like that! In my face! Finally someone said it out loud eh? And what does this means? Time to go back to the gym! I am going back to Indonesia next month anyway, so, the need to be as equal as all those petite little women in the neighbouring country is fatal to score some ganteng Indonesian lad. So I had to work hard now; 2 weeks of healthy regime here I go...

p/s: padanla dengan muko ekau... The Biggest Loser competition anyone?

Silent Treatment

What is the best the remedy for a broken-hearted, deeply-stirred emotional mother? One may say, just play along with her emotions; the other might suggest a total silent or no-action taken to tackle the situation. After 32 years of doing the former, I tend to moving into the latter direction these days. It is not a productive measures I know, but when you feel like you alone working hard in inducing a healthy relationship in your own home, it's got tired. Well aware of the imperfection being that I am, I wasn't trying to provoke things up, I just needed somebody else seeing what I am looking and feeling everyday. Don't get me wrong, I love my blood relatives, we beat as one, we felt each other's pain, we just refuse to acknowledge it sometimes and just let is slide until it tears everyone inside; it Kills me softly...

Weird though when the same situation happened to friends and foes. Been feeling like I am pulling extra effort and squeezing additional-more-than-I-own $$ to sustain or buying friendship these days. The scariest thought of me not having anyone to consult in the end caused me into doing the ridiculous acts or indulging into the absolute worst feelings possible out of desperate measures and bad assumptions. It is sad when you felt like everyone against you when you knew the act you carried out will then be blamed upon your upbringing. In my case it really does. I am just afraid to be alone but to feel the pitiness from those honest eyes and gestures wished to surrounds you with fun stuff, it's so surreal. Perhaps I am just good to just be by myself.

So, Silence really is Golden? Do pictures really worth the thousand words, and my favorite; do "A good word is an easy obligation; but not to speak ill requires only our silence, which costs us nothing" really speak for itself? Perhaps I should continue living with that in mind, or I will risk my weak heart anytime soon.

And, Silent Please!

Bookaholic

I went overboard this year. Went to every book fair whenever I had time, and spent like a girl stuck in a 24 hour sale shopping haven. If only I have more of those moments and gazillions of $dollars$. Anyways, I love books, the way my fingers run through th edges of book stacked together, the smell of them pages be it newly distributed or an antique can simply be my kind of ecstasy. I can spent hours in a bookstore unless I really really needed to do something else. I may not have read all my books yet, but to know that I have them in my collection is another satisfaction I am looking for after any purchases. And books, were never been a regret made when I went crazy picking 'em, and paying 'em. I hope my wish for a personal library built in my house will soon come true.

this is just a few among have read, not yet finished, and soon I will read them...

My Wolverine

Watched the Premiere courtesy of CIMB. Thanks to my credit purchase behaviour (bad), I got 4 tickets and treated 3 happy friends (good). I enjoyed it (better).

in the spirit world of Kuekuatsheu a.k.a. Wolverine and the lonely moon; I can relate...

He may be not but I am into Shopping THAT much

Yes I had the indulgence of back to back doses of chic flicks although not entirely chick flicks as were stressed by the cast, but definitely something for boys and girls to think about, throughout last weekend. Friday night with He's Just Not That into You and Saturday afternoon with Confessions of a Shopaholic. The result; one OST baught and a profound look on things that were often pun in denial state of mind. How refeshing some movies can bring eh? at least usually for me. But then again, can we relate it in our environment? when deep analysis will only bring more heartbreak take on every single actions men or women do. Can we actually face the reality that were so tangible in our face and yet we chose to see it transparently? Sad... and pathetic at the same time. So, as I expected months earlier, this movies will only made me a bit depressed afterwards. But, life goes on... moving on to whatever next things came into life. Meanwhile, check out this site.. My friend's Branded Outlet Store to drool about.. grrr That; we can definitely realate to Rebecca Bloomwood kan? Proven with my recent credit purchase totalling Rm 400 on clothes and one particular scarf, not the GREEN one, but the one I have been looking for so long... crazy!

The Leader in You

http://dianaashar.wordpress.com

And Like a Ghost I'll be gone

Single Ladies - Beyonce

It's that Reality Again

I am on sick leave today. Do not know what happen to my health lately. It's embarassing when at 30+ my body felt like a 50 year old. Really depressing. Anyways, doctor wasn't any help, instead of tracing the root cause, she only recommending me buying a RM 169 supplement pills. What the heck?

Well, while taking care of that cutie pie Ariff, I also was looking forward for that 6pm show, the infamous American Idol. Since this is MOTOWN week, I am looking forward for a certain people nailed it tonight. Instead, the underdog rise up the phoenix and really made me in awe. I have change my favorites altogether. It was Anoop before, but he's becoming over-confidence, and right now, two names I'd like see in the finals; Adam lambert and Matt Gerard. The voice? wow! truly an artist of his own that Adam guy is. Although without makeup he looks like Zac Ephron in Hairspray the movie, he definitely won my vote (if i ever able to vote). He even got the standing ovation from the majority of the crowd including the legendary Smokey Robinson himself. Hope he will sailed through the end. and here my friend is what you have been missing if you haven't been following the American Idol. Enjoy!

Adam Lambert performing Smokey Robinson's Tracks of My Tears

From the heart (honestly)

The shivers down my spine have been contributing to my F1 racing heartbeat far too long. While I scream in the inside, I needed to say this, unable face to face, but here, once and for all:

Although I do have that good deed of accommodating everybody's happiness that sometimes take years of effort, I too, took control of destroying that felicity moment with grief in a split seconds. Yes, I am that snobbish little lady who usually play the bad guy in the movie, the manipulative b***h that will receive what she deserved all along. I paid the price now. While you waited for years, well, this is just not the time to come clean (or will it ever come?) but time to put it to rest, to lay it in the ground at the graveyard of all hearbreakers. I have love and be loved and I may never give the same and be getting a whole lot more. I won't ask for forgiveness because it will never worth to begin with, but I will wish to be forgotten, for regrets which I have a few is too hard to swallow, the memory was so well written it stuck. While I am trying to forget, I suffers, I will endure the pain of shameful decision made that may cause the heart of others, the hope and dream of another ordinary human kind. I can never be the best daughter, a reliable friend, a dependable lover and a respectable woman. I am just; me. Still, it won't stop me from saying I am sorry, because that is all I can say without reasons, without a forgiveness in return. This faith I have is gone, the fate is condone, the hate I will accept. I will just stay zombying myself to this cruel world of pure bad circumstances and ignorant torture of the heart. I do. I did love you. It's just a clumsy taken on responsibility on my part towards commitment of a lifetime. Stupidity of stubbornness and denial of the emotions. A total failure to see beyond the tender eyes.

So help me God I can live my life as who I am without expecting anything more, I will accept what ever destiny prepared for me without having to ask or wanted any explanations. I will just be.

It's that sinking feeling again.

I said I am down with love, putting my feet down, go with the flow, don't want no more talking about it bla bla bla days earlier and yet that is all seems to sync with me amazingly. Be it to see it in movies, to read it in the book, to hear it in a song, Love is actually all around for me. One moment there is this romantic side of me started to get some ideas and jumping up and down about it, and then one good news of other feed into my brain became a heartbreaking one for me and I started to grief again. Perhaps it is true, while I act so cool with everything, I do take things seriously, other than work, the heart itself. I have been been thinking and trying too hard focusing on empty and ignoring anything that weren't even close in my book of dreams. Well, as Carrie Underwood put it:

'Cause sometimes
that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there
searching for foreverIs in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

(Do you see the Heart Reef of Great Barrier Reef in this image?, it's one super gorgeous scene isn't it?)

Others really seem small to me indeed as all I think about currently is how love connect other people beautifully and me not yet. So I am a hopeless romantic and all, I guess I am sticking to the true feeling deep inside of me that I never thought I have, perhaps I am just letting it flew all over the wrong cloud.

Maafkan bila ku Tak Sempurna III

It took me months to whine about love, hate, failed relationship and my disregard to see beyond the dissappointments in life. And it took me by watching one slot of LIVE show celebrating the birthdate of our Junjungan Rasullullah S.A.W to realize there are bigger things in life worth pursuing and fighting for. While I anticipate to see more extraordinary individuals awarded for Tokoh Maulifur Rasul 1430H, I learned so much more out of the presentation. These are individuals whom we seldom overlooked in the world where materials materialized and titles matter over every opportunities in life. The devotion each one has in everything they are passionate about are shown in their eyes and shot through from their heart of them respectable souls. From Professor Sidek Baba, to Dr Mahmud Osman to Dr Murtada Lau Abdullah to the little hafiz Adik Mohamad to the incredible strong willed Adik Muhammad Haziq; (pardon me if I am not getting all the names right) they made me realize how small I am, how little I contribute to human beings in general and how far from jihad for Allah a Muslim that I am supposed to becoming.

Perhaps that registration to be part of Dr Jemilah Mahmood's team will force me to do more in life and feel good about myself.

Just Not That Much...

How do we be certain that a guy is really into us? Why do we chase someone who were never into us in the first place? Why can't we give someone we don't like so much a chance? What becomes of a brokenheart? Suddenly it all came together at the same time huh? And again I am in that crossroads which will make me ended up like a bad or a sad person. Either way it will be pathetic. Perhaps my adventurous and wild side didn't give me too much of an advantage. It only slaps me back in the face and brings more confusion and then lead me to this; He just not that into you; not a fan of a true fact (although really into reality TV), I actually have been avoiding the book or the Oprah Show talking about the same topic, and then the movie coming up soon. This going to be a depressed social event to be looking forward to. With good actors and actress starring in the movie, I had to watch it. Depressing or not, gotta face my own demon now huh? Inspite of me thinking I have been let down by a lot of people, perhaps I have been the source of the grief all along. Time to snap and rose back to real world I guess, with help of another fiction on the big screen of course. What a way to expect the unexpected huh?

Aku Melayang lagi...

Andrea Hirata did it again. Thanks to a good friend down in Surabaya who have been very kind to have sent me the book all the way across South China Sea... Thanks ya Iyul! I'll cherish it all my life! Kapan ke malaysia? :-)

The book my friend, is Maryamah karpov. And again it made me making faces and feeling it deep into them pages. The ending was quite confusing for me, but I think I'll read the tetralogy again someday. As always Andrea inspired me, but not enough to push me for the MPH short story writing competition due in 31st March. I think I am inspired and yet my mind couldn't put anything good in writing worthy of being judged for the best in the nation. Weird huh? I am inspired but not much inspiration penetrates into my brain and eventually trigger my fingers to write those magical words that could amazed any literature fan for now. Why am I so stuck?

As for Maryamah Karpov, the book again brought me into the journey of world filled with possibilities and dreams. Going onto path towards civilization harmonized by unity among differences and passions in life. How we wish such world exist on every inches of land on this earth I supposed, then peace at last. Then again, one can always dream, and another can always make it happened, someday, and soon I hope.

Ok people, I am going to attempt Andrea here, be still your heart, for this might break you or something else... anything.

Cinta.. , terlalu tinggi kata itu pada seseorang dan tentunya pada satunya yang lain. Ia sesuatu yang sukar dimengertikan sehingga kadang-kadang sebetulnya kita hanya berasa pada satu belah tangan sahaja. Pedih kalau terjadi yang sebetulnya itu, sekonyol-konyol diperbodohkan diri sendiri. wah... penasaran ya? Aku contoh terhampir tentang ketegaran membuktikan cinta sejati yang tampak indah atas talian. Aku sudah pun menyeberang lautan mencarinya, kerna aku begitu pasti pengenalan hampir dua tahun 'online' itu membolehkan aku sadar itu yang aku mau banget. Tapi ternyata, aku hanya bermain perasaan sendiri, dan ternyata, tiada yang lebih realis dari realiti sebenar, melihat dengan mata sendiri, berdiri atas tanah yang sama, menghirup udara yang sama dan segala yang seumpama. Realiti sebetulnya menyakitkan, walaupun kamu semua tidak mahu mengakuinya, kesempurnaan adalah yang kamu cari, aku bukan bermaksud sesempurna Nabi, kerna ia pastinya tidak akan terjadi, tetapi sememangnya kesederhanaan kita mahukan yang seadanya tampak, sempurna... Ngerti? Fikir-fikirkan lagi kalau belum mengerti. Ah, kawan, dunia www ternyata satu lagi dunia fantasi yang manusia ciptakan untuk menhindari kita semua dari kejamnya alam sebenar dalam hidup kita. Aku pasrah...

Hehe.. did i just do that? I guess I ought to try it at least once. How did I do? Did i manage to pull Andrea Hirata?

Andai Aku Sang Putri

Finally we got to watch the most talked about Musical performance made by Malaysians in Malaysia in town; Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical, we even bought the tickets early on, in December 2008. O what an affair it was! What a treat I finally got for mom and sis to witness it together with me (as a payback I didn’t take them for P Ramlee last time). The overall performance was wonderful, sat seven meters away from the stage, we have to look up once in a while when both Gustri Putri and Tuah up on that mountain professing love and affections. The sound was overly projected; I depended on the translation display to get what they were talking about. Despite, I was in awe and I totally enjoyed it. So was mom, despite her disapproval of their costumes, hehehe... Java maa… need to get into character. Wonder what will I wear should I was cast for the performance. Mmm…

On a different note, I was really into the show, at times I swear I saw myself, so vulnerable and so intense in confessing, concerning what heart matters, with dignity all in tact. Wish I was once loved in such historical and dramatic circumstances. Wonder if I was a princess in previous life… Gusti Putri Raden Adjeng Retno Dumilah to be exact

February Song...

It’s February again, being a hopeless romantic myself, this particular month never failed to soften my heart and smile every time I saw people so deeply in love be it on the screen or in reality. I have found love,then I lost love, now I have been without love for five years, it still gives me the blues. Watching the tele whole day during weekend gave me mix of emotions, even Spongebob got a Valentine’s Day special episode… *sigh*

I actually promise myself to put my feet down on this matter. I guess it’s too hard, and that’s why I chose to just be at home. Staring at the same shows on TV. I guess Love indeed just another game we play.

February Song ~ Josh Groban

How brave are you?

I was getting two doses of bravery story this month. First I was made to watch my sister’s friend’s directorial effort for a theater called BERANI MATI. It was a humble performance by five manly men who were showing us what it takes to fight the right combat and die for it…NOT! It was a good show, not to say it wasn’t great, I guess it wasn’t too much of my forte in show genre. The guys actually showed the coward side of us all without us knowing it ever present inside all of us. It does make us, or at least me, asking myself, what JIHAD act I did to fight for my fellow Muslims. Seriously. Does ‘tunjuk perasaan’ and boycotting everything (look again at the list of brands they wanted us to boycott, honestly we cannot eat, drink and use everything…) really helps them fight for their life? It is sad though to see how helpless our friends’ fights to stay alive and provide the best dreams for the little ones and promising tomorrow will be a better day. I wish I can do more, I wish I am BOLD enough to enroll as a reserved Army and be in that battle towards humanity in general and Jihad for Allah in particular. I guess I am not that brave to BERANI MATI huh? Well staged drama Faz…

Next showanship about courage and heroism is the movie call The Brave One on ASTRO, starring Jodie Foster and my man, Terence Howard! It was a nerve wrecking drama that made me question my part in society. While it scared the hell out of me to be alone in this crazy world, it made me wonder how much longer I will just be another bystander along our unpredictable streets and corners? Is it ok to take matters with our own bare hand when, honestly, how many cases were seeing justice in this world? Not many I can say. There are lots of kinds of people; we can never know who to trust significantly. Now, this just made me even more skeptical of strangers. How do we make more friends with this cynicism in mind? How to lean on somebody when those so-called friends I so little have is not dependable twenty four seven? It’s hell of a ride out there, all those moments I went home very late from work, help somebody out in odd hours, I know I need to depends on the almighty Allah for savior when I often let down by fellow human reliability. I am not trying to exaggerate my unfortunate cases, but when it happened one, too many times, you’d just stop being hopeful. I just did.

No love in new year?

I can't say that I am not hurt when I heard the news that Giring got a

new girlfriend, I guess I am not good enough for a celebrity status huh? *sigh*

I guess no one love me anymore...

And I am not saying my family didn't.. they love me a lot (or so I hope)...

I just need that different kinda love... hehehehe (so direct)

I guess I am just in that hormonal change phase.. BAD TIME! o man! I am so messed up!

*sigh* *sigh*