And Like a Ghost I'll be gone

Single Ladies - Beyonce

It's that Reality Again

I am on sick leave today. Do not know what happen to my health lately. It's embarassing when at 30+ my body felt like a 50 year old. Really depressing. Anyways, doctor wasn't any help, instead of tracing the root cause, she only recommending me buying a RM 169 supplement pills. What the heck?

Well, while taking care of that cutie pie Ariff, I also was looking forward for that 6pm show, the infamous American Idol. Since this is MOTOWN week, I am looking forward for a certain people nailed it tonight. Instead, the underdog rise up the phoenix and really made me in awe. I have change my favorites altogether. It was Anoop before, but he's becoming over-confidence, and right now, two names I'd like see in the finals; Adam lambert and Matt Gerard. The voice? wow! truly an artist of his own that Adam guy is. Although without makeup he looks like Zac Ephron in Hairspray the movie, he definitely won my vote (if i ever able to vote). He even got the standing ovation from the majority of the crowd including the legendary Smokey Robinson himself. Hope he will sailed through the end. and here my friend is what you have been missing if you haven't been following the American Idol. Enjoy!

Adam Lambert performing Smokey Robinson's Tracks of My Tears

From the heart (honestly)

The shivers down my spine have been contributing to my F1 racing heartbeat far too long. While I scream in the inside, I needed to say this, unable face to face, but here, once and for all:

Although I do have that good deed of accommodating everybody's happiness that sometimes take years of effort, I too, took control of destroying that felicity moment with grief in a split seconds. Yes, I am that snobbish little lady who usually play the bad guy in the movie, the manipulative b***h that will receive what she deserved all along. I paid the price now. While you waited for years, well, this is just not the time to come clean (or will it ever come?) but time to put it to rest, to lay it in the ground at the graveyard of all hearbreakers. I have love and be loved and I may never give the same and be getting a whole lot more. I won't ask for forgiveness because it will never worth to begin with, but I will wish to be forgotten, for regrets which I have a few is too hard to swallow, the memory was so well written it stuck. While I am trying to forget, I suffers, I will endure the pain of shameful decision made that may cause the heart of others, the hope and dream of another ordinary human kind. I can never be the best daughter, a reliable friend, a dependable lover and a respectable woman. I am just; me. Still, it won't stop me from saying I am sorry, because that is all I can say without reasons, without a forgiveness in return. This faith I have is gone, the fate is condone, the hate I will accept. I will just stay zombying myself to this cruel world of pure bad circumstances and ignorant torture of the heart. I do. I did love you. It's just a clumsy taken on responsibility on my part towards commitment of a lifetime. Stupidity of stubbornness and denial of the emotions. A total failure to see beyond the tender eyes.

So help me God I can live my life as who I am without expecting anything more, I will accept what ever destiny prepared for me without having to ask or wanted any explanations. I will just be.

It's that sinking feeling again.

I said I am down with love, putting my feet down, go with the flow, don't want no more talking about it bla bla bla days earlier and yet that is all seems to sync with me amazingly. Be it to see it in movies, to read it in the book, to hear it in a song, Love is actually all around for me. One moment there is this romantic side of me started to get some ideas and jumping up and down about it, and then one good news of other feed into my brain became a heartbreaking one for me and I started to grief again. Perhaps it is true, while I act so cool with everything, I do take things seriously, other than work, the heart itself. I have been been thinking and trying too hard focusing on empty and ignoring anything that weren't even close in my book of dreams. Well, as Carrie Underwood put it:

'Cause sometimes
that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there
searching for foreverIs in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

(Do you see the Heart Reef of Great Barrier Reef in this image?, it's one super gorgeous scene isn't it?)

Others really seem small to me indeed as all I think about currently is how love connect other people beautifully and me not yet. So I am a hopeless romantic and all, I guess I am sticking to the true feeling deep inside of me that I never thought I have, perhaps I am just letting it flew all over the wrong cloud.

Maafkan bila ku Tak Sempurna III

It took me months to whine about love, hate, failed relationship and my disregard to see beyond the dissappointments in life. And it took me by watching one slot of LIVE show celebrating the birthdate of our Junjungan Rasullullah S.A.W to realize there are bigger things in life worth pursuing and fighting for. While I anticipate to see more extraordinary individuals awarded for Tokoh Maulifur Rasul 1430H, I learned so much more out of the presentation. These are individuals whom we seldom overlooked in the world where materials materialized and titles matter over every opportunities in life. The devotion each one has in everything they are passionate about are shown in their eyes and shot through from their heart of them respectable souls. From Professor Sidek Baba, to Dr Mahmud Osman to Dr Murtada Lau Abdullah to the little hafiz Adik Mohamad to the incredible strong willed Adik Muhammad Haziq; (pardon me if I am not getting all the names right) they made me realize how small I am, how little I contribute to human beings in general and how far from jihad for Allah a Muslim that I am supposed to becoming.

Perhaps that registration to be part of Dr Jemilah Mahmood's team will force me to do more in life and feel good about myself.

Just Not That Much...

How do we be certain that a guy is really into us? Why do we chase someone who were never into us in the first place? Why can't we give someone we don't like so much a chance? What becomes of a brokenheart? Suddenly it all came together at the same time huh? And again I am in that crossroads which will make me ended up like a bad or a sad person. Either way it will be pathetic. Perhaps my adventurous and wild side didn't give me too much of an advantage. It only slaps me back in the face and brings more confusion and then lead me to this; He just not that into you; not a fan of a true fact (although really into reality TV), I actually have been avoiding the book or the Oprah Show talking about the same topic, and then the movie coming up soon. This going to be a depressed social event to be looking forward to. With good actors and actress starring in the movie, I had to watch it. Depressing or not, gotta face my own demon now huh? Inspite of me thinking I have been let down by a lot of people, perhaps I have been the source of the grief all along. Time to snap and rose back to real world I guess, with help of another fiction on the big screen of course. What a way to expect the unexpected huh?