The Leader in You

http://dianaashar.wordpress.com

And Like a Ghost I'll be gone

Single Ladies - Beyonce

It's that Reality Again

I am on sick leave today. Do not know what happen to my health lately. It's embarassing when at 30+ my body felt like a 50 year old. Really depressing. Anyways, doctor wasn't any help, instead of tracing the root cause, she only recommending me buying a RM 169 supplement pills. What the heck?

Well, while taking care of that cutie pie Ariff, I also was looking forward for that 6pm show, the infamous American Idol. Since this is MOTOWN week, I am looking forward for a certain people nailed it tonight. Instead, the underdog rise up the phoenix and really made me in awe. I have change my favorites altogether. It was Anoop before, but he's becoming over-confidence, and right now, two names I'd like see in the finals; Adam lambert and Matt Gerard. The voice? wow! truly an artist of his own that Adam guy is. Although without makeup he looks like Zac Ephron in Hairspray the movie, he definitely won my vote (if i ever able to vote). He even got the standing ovation from the majority of the crowd including the legendary Smokey Robinson himself. Hope he will sailed through the end. and here my friend is what you have been missing if you haven't been following the American Idol. Enjoy!

Adam Lambert performing Smokey Robinson's Tracks of My Tears

From the heart (honestly)

The shivers down my spine have been contributing to my F1 racing heartbeat far too long. While I scream in the inside, I needed to say this, unable face to face, but here, once and for all:

Although I do have that good deed of accommodating everybody's happiness that sometimes take years of effort, I too, took control of destroying that felicity moment with grief in a split seconds. Yes, I am that snobbish little lady who usually play the bad guy in the movie, the manipulative b***h that will receive what she deserved all along. I paid the price now. While you waited for years, well, this is just not the time to come clean (or will it ever come?) but time to put it to rest, to lay it in the ground at the graveyard of all hearbreakers. I have love and be loved and I may never give the same and be getting a whole lot more. I won't ask for forgiveness because it will never worth to begin with, but I will wish to be forgotten, for regrets which I have a few is too hard to swallow, the memory was so well written it stuck. While I am trying to forget, I suffers, I will endure the pain of shameful decision made that may cause the heart of others, the hope and dream of another ordinary human kind. I can never be the best daughter, a reliable friend, a dependable lover and a respectable woman. I am just; me. Still, it won't stop me from saying I am sorry, because that is all I can say without reasons, without a forgiveness in return. This faith I have is gone, the fate is condone, the hate I will accept. I will just stay zombying myself to this cruel world of pure bad circumstances and ignorant torture of the heart. I do. I did love you. It's just a clumsy taken on responsibility on my part towards commitment of a lifetime. Stupidity of stubbornness and denial of the emotions. A total failure to see beyond the tender eyes.

So help me God I can live my life as who I am without expecting anything more, I will accept what ever destiny prepared for me without having to ask or wanted any explanations. I will just be.

It's that sinking feeling again.

I said I am down with love, putting my feet down, go with the flow, don't want no more talking about it bla bla bla days earlier and yet that is all seems to sync with me amazingly. Be it to see it in movies, to read it in the book, to hear it in a song, Love is actually all around for me. One moment there is this romantic side of me started to get some ideas and jumping up and down about it, and then one good news of other feed into my brain became a heartbreaking one for me and I started to grief again. Perhaps it is true, while I act so cool with everything, I do take things seriously, other than work, the heart itself. I have been been thinking and trying too hard focusing on empty and ignoring anything that weren't even close in my book of dreams. Well, as Carrie Underwood put it:

'Cause sometimes
that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there
searching for foreverIs in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

(Do you see the Heart Reef of Great Barrier Reef in this image?, it's one super gorgeous scene isn't it?)

Others really seem small to me indeed as all I think about currently is how love connect other people beautifully and me not yet. So I am a hopeless romantic and all, I guess I am sticking to the true feeling deep inside of me that I never thought I have, perhaps I am just letting it flew all over the wrong cloud.

Maafkan bila ku Tak Sempurna III

It took me months to whine about love, hate, failed relationship and my disregard to see beyond the dissappointments in life. And it took me by watching one slot of LIVE show celebrating the birthdate of our Junjungan Rasullullah S.A.W to realize there are bigger things in life worth pursuing and fighting for. While I anticipate to see more extraordinary individuals awarded for Tokoh Maulifur Rasul 1430H, I learned so much more out of the presentation. These are individuals whom we seldom overlooked in the world where materials materialized and titles matter over every opportunities in life. The devotion each one has in everything they are passionate about are shown in their eyes and shot through from their heart of them respectable souls. From Professor Sidek Baba, to Dr Mahmud Osman to Dr Murtada Lau Abdullah to the little hafiz Adik Mohamad to the incredible strong willed Adik Muhammad Haziq; (pardon me if I am not getting all the names right) they made me realize how small I am, how little I contribute to human beings in general and how far from jihad for Allah a Muslim that I am supposed to becoming.

Perhaps that registration to be part of Dr Jemilah Mahmood's team will force me to do more in life and feel good about myself.

Just Not That Much...

How do we be certain that a guy is really into us? Why do we chase someone who were never into us in the first place? Why can't we give someone we don't like so much a chance? What becomes of a brokenheart? Suddenly it all came together at the same time huh? And again I am in that crossroads which will make me ended up like a bad or a sad person. Either way it will be pathetic. Perhaps my adventurous and wild side didn't give me too much of an advantage. It only slaps me back in the face and brings more confusion and then lead me to this; He just not that into you; not a fan of a true fact (although really into reality TV), I actually have been avoiding the book or the Oprah Show talking about the same topic, and then the movie coming up soon. This going to be a depressed social event to be looking forward to. With good actors and actress starring in the movie, I had to watch it. Depressing or not, gotta face my own demon now huh? Inspite of me thinking I have been let down by a lot of people, perhaps I have been the source of the grief all along. Time to snap and rose back to real world I guess, with help of another fiction on the big screen of course. What a way to expect the unexpected huh?

Aku Melayang lagi...

Andrea Hirata did it again. Thanks to a good friend down in Surabaya who have been very kind to have sent me the book all the way across South China Sea... Thanks ya Iyul! I'll cherish it all my life! Kapan ke malaysia? :-)

The book my friend, is Maryamah karpov. And again it made me making faces and feeling it deep into them pages. The ending was quite confusing for me, but I think I'll read the tetralogy again someday. As always Andrea inspired me, but not enough to push me for the MPH short story writing competition due in 31st March. I think I am inspired and yet my mind couldn't put anything good in writing worthy of being judged for the best in the nation. Weird huh? I am inspired but not much inspiration penetrates into my brain and eventually trigger my fingers to write those magical words that could amazed any literature fan for now. Why am I so stuck?

As for Maryamah Karpov, the book again brought me into the journey of world filled with possibilities and dreams. Going onto path towards civilization harmonized by unity among differences and passions in life. How we wish such world exist on every inches of land on this earth I supposed, then peace at last. Then again, one can always dream, and another can always make it happened, someday, and soon I hope.

Ok people, I am going to attempt Andrea here, be still your heart, for this might break you or something else... anything.

Cinta.. , terlalu tinggi kata itu pada seseorang dan tentunya pada satunya yang lain. Ia sesuatu yang sukar dimengertikan sehingga kadang-kadang sebetulnya kita hanya berasa pada satu belah tangan sahaja. Pedih kalau terjadi yang sebetulnya itu, sekonyol-konyol diperbodohkan diri sendiri. wah... penasaran ya? Aku contoh terhampir tentang ketegaran membuktikan cinta sejati yang tampak indah atas talian. Aku sudah pun menyeberang lautan mencarinya, kerna aku begitu pasti pengenalan hampir dua tahun 'online' itu membolehkan aku sadar itu yang aku mau banget. Tapi ternyata, aku hanya bermain perasaan sendiri, dan ternyata, tiada yang lebih realis dari realiti sebenar, melihat dengan mata sendiri, berdiri atas tanah yang sama, menghirup udara yang sama dan segala yang seumpama. Realiti sebetulnya menyakitkan, walaupun kamu semua tidak mahu mengakuinya, kesempurnaan adalah yang kamu cari, aku bukan bermaksud sesempurna Nabi, kerna ia pastinya tidak akan terjadi, tetapi sememangnya kesederhanaan kita mahukan yang seadanya tampak, sempurna... Ngerti? Fikir-fikirkan lagi kalau belum mengerti. Ah, kawan, dunia www ternyata satu lagi dunia fantasi yang manusia ciptakan untuk menhindari kita semua dari kejamnya alam sebenar dalam hidup kita. Aku pasrah...

Hehe.. did i just do that? I guess I ought to try it at least once. How did I do? Did i manage to pull Andrea Hirata?

Andai Aku Sang Putri

Finally we got to watch the most talked about Musical performance made by Malaysians in Malaysia in town; Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical, we even bought the tickets early on, in December 2008. O what an affair it was! What a treat I finally got for mom and sis to witness it together with me (as a payback I didn’t take them for P Ramlee last time). The overall performance was wonderful, sat seven meters away from the stage, we have to look up once in a while when both Gustri Putri and Tuah up on that mountain professing love and affections. The sound was overly projected; I depended on the translation display to get what they were talking about. Despite, I was in awe and I totally enjoyed it. So was mom, despite her disapproval of their costumes, hehehe... Java maa… need to get into character. Wonder what will I wear should I was cast for the performance. Mmm…

On a different note, I was really into the show, at times I swear I saw myself, so vulnerable and so intense in confessing, concerning what heart matters, with dignity all in tact. Wish I was once loved in such historical and dramatic circumstances. Wonder if I was a princess in previous life… Gusti Putri Raden Adjeng Retno Dumilah to be exact

February Song...

It’s February again, being a hopeless romantic myself, this particular month never failed to soften my heart and smile every time I saw people so deeply in love be it on the screen or in reality. I have found love,then I lost love, now I have been without love for five years, it still gives me the blues. Watching the tele whole day during weekend gave me mix of emotions, even Spongebob got a Valentine’s Day special episode… *sigh*

I actually promise myself to put my feet down on this matter. I guess it’s too hard, and that’s why I chose to just be at home. Staring at the same shows on TV. I guess Love indeed just another game we play.

February Song ~ Josh Groban